Today, in an interview with the Coke company, we were informed it's water bottle, Dasani, is not good for you. The chemicals in it, of one consists of toxic addatives, that increase the speed of some cancers. So our scientist conducted a few experiments. He took some of the chemicals contained in the water, and gave it to a tiger, a King Cobra, and an al qaeda member. Each one showed signs of some form of cancer. After one week of testing, our scientist concluded that it sped up the process be a whopping 69%, which for all of you who are educationally-challenged with math, that's a big number. Some of our viewers might ask us, what can they do to help not get cancer. So we asked a health doctor.