Our journalist, Ricky, interviewed a woman, who believes her child is really the spawn of Satan. Here's the interview (note that nothing has been edited)

 

"So, your name is Isabella Miroslav?" asked Ricky. "Yes, it is." "Alright, let's get to the interview. You say you're a Satanist, and you claimed that you had Lucifer's child?" "Yes. You people don't understand." "Ok, go ahead and tell us what happened." "One night when I was finishing my bedtime prayers to the Prince of Darkness, he suddenly manifested, told me to take off my clothes, and then bred me." "Well, that's a little extreme. Continue." "Satan told me I would give birth to and raise his son. Once the baby turned twelve it would become President of the United States and create a one world government." "At twelve? Do you think the United States government would allow that?" "Yes." "Short answer. Why does Lucifer want him to run a one world government?" "So he can more easily control everything and get everybody’s souls. He’s preparing for Jesus Christ’s return which will be in thirteen years. If he owns everybody’s souls, Jesus’ powers will be weakened and Satan can easily destroy him and then invade heaven where he and his demons will kill the angels and God. Satan, his demons, his son and me will relocate to heaven, most everybody else will go to hell and earth will be for all people who have accepted Satan as their king. The animals get to stay on earth too." "Um. Ok. What do you plan on naming the child?" "I plan on naming him Satan Jr-" "After his father?" asked Ricky. "No." "Uh, well what if someone tries to kill him? What will happen?" "Satan has given me superpowers I can use against anybody who tries to harm me or Satan, Jr. I can shoot fireballs from my hands. I can put up a impenetrable protection field. I can also do karate now. I haven’t used my superpowers on anybody yet, but if some Christian asshole tries to mess with me or Satan, Jr. I will hurt them." "Well, I think that's all we have time for-" "He cannot die you know. You mind as well submit now." "Uh, ok crazy bitch"